Would like to share with you something I learned from class about communication skills. Below is a case study and some questions for you to think.
Imagine that you're at work. Your employer asks you to do an extra job for him. He wants it ready by the end of the day. You mean to take care of it immediately, but because of series of emergnecies that come up, you completely forget. Things are so hectic, you barely have time for your own lunch.
As you and a few co-workers are getting ready to go home, your boss comes over to you and asks for the finished piece of work. Quickly you try to explain how unusually busy you were today.
He interrups you. In a loud, angry voice he shouts, "I'm not interested in your excuses!" What the hell do you think I'm paying you for - to sit around all day on yout butt?" As you open your mouth to speak, he says "Save it," and walks off to the elevator.
Your co-workers pretend not to have heard. You finish gathering your things and leave the office. On the way home you meet a friend. You're still so upset that you find yourself telling him or her what had just taken place.
There are eight different ways that your friend may respond to you. How would you feel and respond to each response? Which response might make you feel better? Which are counterproductive?
1. There's no reason to be so upset. It's foolish to feel that way. You're probably just tired and blowing the whole thing out of proportion. It can't be as bad as you make it out to be. Come on, smile... you look so nice when you smile.
2. Look, life is like that. Things don't always turn out we want. You have to learn to take things in stride. In this world nothing is perfect.
3. You know what I think you should do? Tomorrow morning go straight to your boss's office and say, "Look, I was wrong." Then sit right down and finish that piece of work you neglected today. Don't get trapped by those emergencies that come up. And if you're smart and you want to keep that job of yours, you'll make sure nothing like that ever happens again.
4. What exactly were those emergencies you had that would cause you to forget a special request from your boss? Didn't you realize he'd be angry if you didn't get to it immediately? Has it ever happened before? Why didn't you follow him when he left the room and try to explain again?"
5. I can understand your boss's reaction. He's probably under terrible pressure. You're lucky he didn't lose his temper more often.
6. Oh you poor thing. That is terrible! I feel so sorry for you, I could just cry.
7. That sounds like a rough experience. To be subjected to an attack like that in front of other people, especially after having been under so much pressure, must have been pretty hard to take!
8. Has it ever occured to you that the real reason you're so upset by this is because your employer represents a father figure in your life? As a child you probably worried about displeasing your father, and when your boss scolded you, it brought back your early fears of rejection. Isn't that true?
Lastly, which kind of responses do you often use in response to your friends' issue? What are the possible outcomes of your usual response? Is it possible to give a better response?
I find this exercise helps me to reexamine the way I respond to people. Sometimes I'm so tempted to voice anything that comes across my mind when people come to me, thinking that I'm doing the best thing for them, overlooking that sometimes people expect nothing but empathetic response.
Note: The case study and the eight responses are directly quoted from Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1999).
How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk (pp. 5-8). New York: Avon Books.
