09 Week 51 - Stress

Thesis defense has been over about 2 weeks, however my thesis doesn't actually fully end. I told many people how I did awfully in the defense and how nice Dr. Ng and Dr. Lukman guided me in answering questions, but I never told the whole story. I have been hiding the best part of the session, which is, Dr. Lukman seemed to like my paper and she praised my work. Oh. I felt flattered. That was totally out of my expectation, as I thought I did badly in my thesis writing. She said she recommended Dr. Ng to publish my paper. For few seconds, I wondered whether I was dreaming. Oh no. Before I left, they told me I should consider taking postgraduate course. For first time ever, I really felt being looked up. Both Dr. Ng and Dr. Lukman, my good teachers, they might not have idea how meaningful what they said to me during the session. 

After the defense, I wrote a thank you email to Dr. Ng and Dr. Lukman. Dr. Ng replied and asked me to see her next month, because we will be working on refining my paper for publication and conference presentation (like the coming ARUPS conference). Oh my god. I really doubt whether I'm living in the reality. Anyway, I neither feel good nor excited. To be honest, I see very little value of my paper to be published and presented. Findings are hardly significant to the field. I'm not satisfied. If I'm going to publish a research, this is not what I want to show people. To be precise, I don't want to work on it anymore. I have no motivation to keep working on something which I am not happy/satisfied with. Actually, I rather start a new research. 

So I emailed Dr. Ng and Dr. Lukman again, asking them whether I could reject their suggestion. Dr. Lukman said it's up to me, just that I might have lost a good opportunity to learn more. Dr. Ng asked me to email her again next month, after taking a break. My concern is unresolved. All I want is just very simple: stop working on that paper, and conduct a more meaningful research which I'd be happy to work toward publication. Sounds stupid to you, right? Giving up a good opportunity to publish a journal, due to this kind of childish emotional reason. But I just want to tell you, I have my own standard and thoughts. I live with them. I always believe they lead me to what I really desire and value.

I didn't bring it up before because I was still thinking about that. When my mind was not occupied, automatically my mind would ruminate about "working toward publication and conference presentation... on that paper." How do I feel? What do I want? What should I do? Finally, I think in order to go back to my peaceful mind state, declining the suggestion is the best option. Feel less flattered. Feel better. Feel like "I'm doing what I'm supposed to do now."

Next month, hopefully I can fully settle this issue and continue enjoying my vacation :-)