和一个朋友聊天的时候，她突然提到，我以前写专栏曾经让很多人羡慕，或许到现在还羡慕着。原来如此。确实是值得羡慕的事情，虽然稿费并没有多少。确实是已经达成了自己的小小心愿，虽然并没有多了不起。中学的时候，曾经因为非常想要一个专栏，到处写email询问报章，要如何才能够成为一个专栏作家。不过没有一封回答。现在回想，这是理所当然。自己是谁呢？凭什么要别人看自己写的文章呢？不过在那一段时期，要成为作家是梦的一部分。要成为旅游作家也是一部分。最大的梦，是想成为自由人。现在最自豪的是我曾经很努力地要实现自己的梦。不管方法聪明与否。
不过这样的梦不知道怎么地渐渐被埋在心里面了。把以前的自己遗弃了。看完刘轩的《放任心中的一百次流浪》后，不知道怎么地梦突然被唤醒了。再一次遇见了以前的自己。我正在做什么？我还很年轻，可以做非常多的事情。虽然说不年轻也可以做很多事情，但“还很年轻”这句话似乎有增加勇气的作用。我要成为怎么样的一个人？我做什么事情？我不做什么事情？
不管怎样，还是做了再说。趁我还没再次忘记梦之前。
Went to Cameron Highland, as one of my graduation trips. MeiSan, JengMun, and HuiYi were in my car, good enough to keep me awake along the long distance driving time. My car's radio was never turned on, as we kept talking from the beginning of the journey until the end. Mouth muscles were fully exercised. Actually I quite enjoyed the conversation. I remembered the most we talked about was relationships. We also laughed at each other's mandarin and cantonese pronunciations and some stupid stuffs, like the YouTube clip "Tuts My Barreh."
Walking on the cold and windy street at night was awesome, despite my mind was ruminating about my dirty jacket (I slipped on the tea garden and my jacket got some soil). Eating the warm potato balls while wandering in the night market was fun. Food smells were all around the street, if I hadn't eaten the steamboat dinner I'd like to buy BBQ chicken, more fried mushrooms, more potato balls, maybe one more slice of "Apam Balik"...
I sang "别让我站在风中 痴痴为你等" on the street. Simply wanted to sing this line, out of sudden. HuiYi called kp and asked me sang to him. And I did. We were too 38 but this was fun. Before falling asleep JengMun asked me taught her to sing that song, but I only managed to teach that line. So at that night, Ian, Mia, MeiSan, JengMun, and HuiYi's good night song was my "别让我站在风中 痴痴为你等," ehe...
The next morning, after having breakfast my car couldn't be opened, fortunately there was a workshop nearby my car. I asked the mechanic (I supposed) to check my car and he said that was because I didn't switch off the lights when I left my car. Another bad news was he left my car keys inside my car, which had been automatically locked off. The mechanic suggested to break my car window. I didn't like the idea at all, I believed there was another clean and smarter way to solve this problem. "Don't you have a master key?" I asked. But he said he lost the master key and the master key couldn't open my car, even if he had it. MeiSan called her brother and found that my car could be easily opened with wire. That sounds clean and smarter, and another mechanic arrived then cleverly opened my car with wire. Problem solved. And I was charged RM80 for that. My friends said I shouldn't have been charged that high, since we had nothing to do with the car key left inside the car. I did agree that was unreasonable, but since the problem had been solved and I could afford to pay it (and I had paid already), why let this affected my vacation mood? Anyway, next time I won't make this stupid mistake again.
If you want to go for vacation, never pick public holiday. There were too much of cars along the road. When I was trapped in the traffic jam, all I wished was the cars in front of me could just disappeared out of sudden. They might be kidnapped by aliens. I didn't care. Unfortunately it didn't happen. The cars were still blocking my way. I was blocking the cars behind me as well. We might hated each other. But I hated the buses the most because they polluted the air. I had to close my window while I was behind them.
Anyway, the best part was going to Boh Tea Farm. The time was around 6 p.m. and we still drove up there despite the visiting time had been over. No traffic jam. The air was fresh, clean, and cold. We could just stopped at the roadside and took photos. I finally got the vacation I dreamed of. When we reached the top hill, the weather was quite foggy. I suddenly wished to sing "A Foggy Day in London Town." The view was just beautiful. Peace like heaven. Although I had never been in heaven. It would be nice to have a high tea there, too bad we were too late to reach this place.
Driving down the hill was a bit scary. We saw nice views along the road, however when the day was getting darker and darker, I started to feel creepy. The road seemed endless, as if we would not reach the end. We could never leave this place. And I told them the cat village story, which I read from "1Q84." After I finished the story, HuiYi said she felt like we were in the cat village. Despite the creepy feeling, four of us still talked a lot and made noises. Eventually, by spending 1 hour and 30 minutes, we reached Tapah toll. We've successfully left the cat village ("I will hunt chu down~").
That's all folks :P
Thesis defense has been over about 2 weeks, however my thesis doesn't actually fully end. I told many people how I did awfully in the defense and how nice Dr. Ng and Dr. Lukman guided me in answering questions, but I never told the whole story. I have been hiding the best part of the session, which is, Dr. Lukman seemed to like my paper and she praised my work. Oh. I felt flattered. That was totally out of my expectation, as I thought I did badly in my thesis writing. She said she recommended Dr. Ng to publish my paper. For few seconds, I wondered whether I was dreaming. Oh no. Before I left, they told me I should consider taking postgraduate course. For first time ever, I really felt being looked up. Both Dr. Ng and Dr. Lukman, my good teachers, they might not have idea how meaningful what they said to me during the session.
After the defense, I wrote a thank you email to Dr. Ng and Dr. Lukman. Dr. Ng replied and asked me to see her next month, because we will be working on refining my paper for publication and conference presentation (like the coming ARUPS conference). Oh my god. I really doubt whether I'm living in the reality. Anyway, I neither feel good nor excited. To be honest, I see very little value of my paper to be published and presented. Findings are hardly significant to the field. I'm not satisfied. If I'm going to publish a research, this is not what I want to show people. To be precise, I don't want to work on it anymore. I have no motivation to keep working on something which I am not happy/satisfied with. Actually, I rather start a new research.
So I emailed Dr. Ng and Dr. Lukman again, asking them whether I could reject their suggestion. Dr. Lukman said it's up to me, just that I might have lost a good opportunity to learn more. Dr. Ng asked me to email her again next month, after taking a break. My concern is unresolved. All I want is just very simple: stop working on that paper, and conduct a more meaningful research which I'd be happy to work toward publication. Sounds stupid to you, right? Giving up a good opportunity to publish a journal, due to this kind of childish emotional reason. But I just want to tell you, I have my own standard and thoughts. I live with them. I always believe they lead me to what I really desire and value.
I didn't bring it up before because I was still thinking about that. When my mind was not occupied, automatically my mind would ruminate about "working toward publication and conference presentation... on that paper." How do I feel? What do I want? What should I do? Finally, I think in order to go back to my peaceful mind state, declining the suggestion is the best option. Feel less flattered. Feel better. Feel like "I'm doing what I'm supposed to do now."
Next month, hopefully I can fully settle this issue and continue enjoying my vacation :-)
昨晚，亲戚来访。大家聊天至深夜的时候，话题突然转向已故外公的房子。母亲有不少可怕的回忆都源自于那一间房子。偶尔会跟我们提起。有时听了之后，光是想象那情景就觉得不寒而栗。那是在沙登新村里面的一间屋子，算是挺大的一间老屋。屋身相当长。客厅地板是翡翠绿的青色，不过有细微而繁复的裂痕。不用心看不会察觉到，但我从小就对地板非常介意，所以无论如何还是会注意到。客厅过后就是一条长而宽的走廊。四间大房就分布在走廊的两侧，一侧两间房。就算一个人站在走廊中间张开双手，也离墙壁有一段距离。是非常宽阔的一条走廊。地板是深灰色的，大概是洋灰。只不过，任凭我如何回忆，地板的纹理无论如何还是无法被想起。走廊非常暗呢。走廊的尽头就是饭厅。因为有窗户的关系，饭厅比较光亮。可是地板的纹理开始显得复杂了。我不知道这些纹理和颜色是如何形成，但真的让我开始觉得不安。饭厅过后就是厨房，那是非常大的一间厨房呐，我个人一向对厨房怀有相当莫名其妙的好感，可是这一间绝对是例外喔。地板惨不忍睹地复杂。黄色红色褐色灰色不规则的线条纹理散乱地分布在地板上。我绝对无法不穿上鞋子而踏进去一步（也幸好那里有鞋子，因为那里的地板一向很湿）。再来，浴室和洗手间就整齐地排列在厨房的尾端，和厨房的地板相连。我从来没有用过这两个空间。洗澡可以回家才洗，厕所可以跑到对面阿姨的家上。无论如何，绝对不能靠近厨房的尾端。那里似乎散发着非常不祥的气息，让我绝对不允许自己接近。 这是天生的直觉。另外，房子确实存在楼上的楼层，而且那里也确实有房间，只不过从我有记忆以来，那里是没有人用了。被荒废式地废置了，就连楼梯也象征式地被封了。不过如果愿意，还是可以跑上去，毕竟不是被锁上，只是象征式地被关上了而已。楼梯的尾端是深渊般的黑暗呢。和厨房的尾端一样，打从第一眼看见楼梯，我就下定决心无论如何也不要上去。那里有着什么，这是直觉。昨晚听了母亲和亲戚的谈话后，我更是庆幸我拥有如此灵敏的直觉。
外公年轻的时候因为做生意的关系而富有起来。拥有几个橡胶园和果园。他看上了一间空屋子，于是把那一块地买了下来，完全把旧的屋子拆了然后自己再建了全新的一间屋子。据说他的母亲其实不太喜欢那一间屋子，然而他不顾反对硬是要坚持自己的选择。全家人于是就那样选好了日子就搬进去了。母亲事后告诉亲戚说，那一天似乎不是什么好日子，但是不知道为什么，就偏偏选了那一天入伙新居。搬家的那一年母亲五岁。搬家的时候下着倾盆大雨，外婆带着她来到了新居门口，根据习俗他们准备了一对烛灯作为新居入伙的仪式用具。其他人正要把东西搬过来，外婆也忙着要帮忙，于是吩咐母亲要好好看着仪式的用品，不要让小动物弄倒了。母亲答应了，于是当时也就独自乖乖地待在门口。屋子的侧边是一条走道，沿着走道走可以直通厨房的入口。外婆走后不久，母亲随意看了那条走道一眼，发现有个老婆婆拿着那一对烛灯缓缓消失在眼前。“至今还是可以很清楚地记得她的样子。”母亲说。应该被看守的烛灯不知道怎么地被拿走了，母亲正不知如何是好的时候，外婆刚好回来了。她把事情告诉了外婆。外婆却指着烛灯说那不是好好地在那里么？没错啊，确实一对烛灯确实完好无损地在那里。刚才的一切，也许是幻觉喔。“烛灯不是被拿走了，而是被换走了。”母亲告诉亲戚。烛灯到底有什么意义呢？虽然也说不上来，但总有一股诡异的感觉。或许跟外公的事业戏剧性的大转变有什么关系也说不定。
入住那一间屋子的第一晚，母亲在楼上的寝室睡觉。朦胧间一对手凭空出现，指甲长而黑的纤细手指握住了陈旧的新闻纸，报纸上印有一位少女的样貌。是少女被谋杀的新闻。“是长得挺漂亮的一个女孩。”母亲告诉大家。接下来的日子，母亲的生活就过得辛苦了。母亲发现那被谋杀的少女，以不是人的形式存在于楼上的空间。母亲告诉了她的家人，可是没有一个人相信她的话。说她撒谎，说她精神状态不佳。小时候的舅舅不耐烦地说如果再提如此无稽的话就把她捏死，干脆让她当鬼算了。其实也难怪，毕竟大家的生活也好好地，什么异样也没发现，怎么会认为有问题呢？所以，无论是楼上的少女还是楼下的婆婆阿姨男人小孩（长得像舅舅的黑脸小孩），还是会把长长的舌头伸出来或凭空消失的神秘人物，看见了说出来也没有人相信。根本不会有人相信。
屋子里最玄的一件事情，是那一幅画。表姐听到这里，也突然附和。因为小姨也看到那一幅画，而且告诉了表姐。母亲和小姨都看到那一幅令人非常不安的一幅画。那一幅画就在厨房的尾端，厕所的地板上。每一次蹲着上厕所，一定可以看见面前的地板上有一幅画。“看起来很像是一家人的故事。”母亲说。然而，并不是多温馨的什么内容。大人把小孩投进了井。梳上发髻面情阴郁的老太婆。男人砍杀老婆婆。周围都是妖魔的狰狞图案。都是这一类东西。“以前确实有一口井，但已经填了。”母亲补充说。表姐说，小姨甚至看过画的转变。那一幅画的人物会突然间笑起来。不知道为什么，就只有她们才能从那地板看得见画。表姐还说，小姨也在楼上经历过非常可怕的事情。正在对着镜子梳头的时候，赫然发现镜子里自己的身后有一堆笔直的头发从上面散了下来，一只手穿过了发堆向她招手。“她说她简直吓坏了，立刻大叫逃离了房间。”表姐说。尽管屋子里的一切都是那么地诡异，姐妹两人除了精神上的耗损外也就安然无恙地在里面战战兢兢地生活了十多年。
母亲嫁了出去后，偶尔还会回家看自己的父母。所以并不是嫁出去了就可以干干净净地和那间屋子脱离关系。有一次夜晚在喜宴中，外公忘记带一瓶酒过去，于是吩咐了父亲载母亲回去那间屋子拿酒。没想到虽然已经不在屋子里住了，依然还是有机会独自身处那一间屋子里。母亲战战兢兢地独自到饭厅取了酒后，就加快脚步走过那一条长长又幽暗的走廊。其中一间房开着门，经过的时候不知道为什么头会自动转过去望，停下了脚步。房里面有一面大镜子，足以照全身的一面镜子。镜子的位置偏斜，刚好照得见门口。从镜子里的映像可以看见自己还有那个女人。貌似大姨，正站着盯着镜子看的女人。在镜子的映像里她正在盯着母亲，然后露出了诡异的笑容。一看见那令人发指的笑容，母亲立刻没命似地逃跑，逃离了屋子跳上了车，然后大哭起来。
没有人会相信自己的话，除了妹妹之外没有人见过。一直到外婆去世前几个月，她才相信了母亲的话。外婆的身体不佳，母亲去探望时听她说的。看见了没能生存于世界上的孩子。都长大了。男的貌似舅舅，长得黝黑。偶尔会有东西突然探出头来看她。屋子里原来真的有其他东西和他们共同生活着。从前有人告诉过住这间屋子是“一个人工作，十个人吃饭”，原来是如此。活口们挣饭，豢养了一屋子的鬼魅。可惜外婆的话并没有多大的说服力，外公是一个非常铁齿的固执老人，从来没有见过鬼，要是有鬼就把他掐死好了。这么说过呢。
外公也是死前几个月才见识过屋子的其他住客。他告诉母亲说时常会听见他们在叫他。不过他也并不太好惹，生起气来会对看不见的住客发脾气。不过当然脾气多大也无法抵抗岁月的法则，身体渐渐走下坡，最后也去世了。（插曲：另一个表姐说看见外公临死前正跟空气谈话，说他待会儿就要过去。问过了后才知道原来外公听见有人喊他：“爸，一起吃饭吧。”）他去世的时候，家庭也已经接近支离破碎的状况了。昔日的好景不再。母亲说自从住进了那一间屋子，家庭的状况真的是慢慢地走下坡。结果结局真的并不美好。屋子被迫卖掉，让另外一家人买了下来住了进去。
那一条街，晚上的时候会挺寂静。我有一次经过时，看见屋子像是正沉睡的獸，默默地守在黑暗中。我依然很抗拒接近那间屋子。虽然也很好奇有关屋子再早前的事情，不过现在恐怕也没有人可以说出来了。
